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Aug. 4, 2022

E 92: Take a Trip with Us: Psilocybin Part 2 Sarah’s Experience

E 92: Take a Trip with Us: Psilocybin Part 2 Sarah’s Experience

Hello Warriors! We are back for the conclusion of our story sharing Sarah's experience with psilocybin. This episode dives deep into the details of Sarah's trip. She shares all the things she saw, the things she became, the people she talked to and how i...


Hello Warriors! We are back for the conclusion of our story sharing Sarah's experience with psilocybin. This episode dives deep into the details of Sarah's trip. She shares all the things she saw, the things she became, the people she talked to and how it brought healing to her entire being.

Healing is a personal journey and we all have our own paths, but for Sarah,  psilocybin was the one that brought the healing her soul needed. We hope you enjoy her story, as it is a beautiful and enlightening one. 

 

Are you enjoying the Unqualified Therapists podcast? If so, can you please take a minute to subscribe and follow our podcast? YOU can also help us to keep the mics on and join our community as little as $5 as we continue to  stop the stigma surrounding mental health.

*The Unqualified Therapists Podcast is not recommending medical advice as they are not actual doctors (Hence the name: Unqualified 😉). This podcast is for entertainment purposes only and all medical advice should be taken from a Qualified Doctor. UT shares stories and resources, not medical advice.

Transcript

Okay, warriors, you are listening to unqualified therapists. Remember stay wild. And weird.

Hey warriors, this is Amy and I'm Sarah. We are the hosts of the unqualified therapist. We are not here to give you advice. We are here to tell you our stories, share your stories, and bring on the professionals from time to time. Mental health is complicated, and we know that from our personal experience, we believe in professional therapy, both Sarah and I use that on our own healing journey.

But we also know it. Isn't one size fits all the stigma surrounding mental illness can make us feel alone. We are not alone. You are not alone. And you're listening to the unqualified therapist, zinc.

You, my struggle, you, my pain, you, my, you.

You won. Cause even if I'm moving, I will never be defeated, even if I will never let you see, sir, go for the course of the next couple of weeks, symptoms started to come up and they felt unimportant and unnecessary. Like, wait a second. That I don't, that doesn't make any sense. I'm just not gonna do it as though the process of re owning my own body and mind and opting into that allowed me some say in the matter for the first time and it got better every day, since the study was my best O C D day in my life.

I'm several months. My symptoms are, I mean, zero. They do follow up questionnaires and it's, I just don't have OCD clinically. So, I mean, I don't know  how to express a more radical transformation than that.

I think I'll always think of my life in terms of before the SLL Ibin session. And after the SIL Ibin.

I feel the same way about the birth of my son. It's a beautiful world out there. I don't know if you've noticed, but it's great.  it really is wonderful. Welcome back everyone. To part two of our journey through SIL Sabin. With Sarah Simone, our trip, if you will, our trip, if you will. Yes, we are so happy to have you back.

Hopefully you have already listened to part one. If you have not just paused stop and go back and listen to part one so that you can listen to it in order in part one, Sarah kind of breaks it down and gives us the science behind SIL Sabin. Magic mushrooms and lets us know, you know, what the research is behind that that helps us understand why it rewires our brain and how that happens.

Yeah. And we wanted to start off the episode with that clip from a patient who went through a psilocybin session, because I wanted you to hear somebody else's brief story besides my own so that you  get some more meats behind it, but his story, it makes me emotional. Every time I listen to that clip, the beautiful things and the healing that can happen from this medicine is just in.

So in part two, we're gonna get to hear the journey, the trip that Sarah took literally and figuratively, I guess, right? Yeah. Um, to Canada to get this treatment and it truly was a treatment. It was not her out in the woods, somewhere partying. She  was at a, at a treatment center. Receiving this medicine and being guided and facilitated through the whole process.

So we're gonna start right at the beginning and talk about where the hell did you go, girl?  where'd you travel to? So for if you're a new listener, we are located in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, which is on the Eastern part of the United. And I thought, what better way to, you know, dive into this whole healing session than to fucking fly myself to the other side of the continent to a different country.

Why not? So  why not? Yeah. So I went to Vancouver, British Columbia and Canada, and I took that flight and I landed in Vancouver and they were speaking French and it was like so exotic feeling. And I was like, this is beautiful. And. A gorgeous city. I mean, the views in Vancouver are incredible. There's trees and mountains.

It's like this little city that's popped up in nature. So it's like very cool. And it's this whole dichotomy thing. And it was just a very cool place. And everybody there. Is very kind and everybody there is very socially aware and like, mm-hmm, , it's just, it's a different feeling. It's a complete different vibe than where we are right now.

But when I landed, I felt like garbage, like physically mm-hmm  by the time I got to my hotel, I had a migraine, my stomach was a wreck and I was like, I can't do this. How do you know that? That's not intuition? . And that was nerves. And I don't, that's more like, I guess, rhetorical, right. Because I don't fucking know that you do know, but I that's what I would be thinking.

I'd be like, oh God, is this my gut saying, this is a bad, bad idea.  yeah. So, or am I just really, really nervous? Um, yeah, so I was like, this is my gut and I emailed Kayla and was like, I'm not coming. Oh,  okay. Okay. You did it. I tried to backed my way out of this. Mm-hmm  so hard. And then my, my heart was like, no, no.

And the part of me that survival method that survival's instinct inside of me was like, you did not just fucking fly across the country 2000 plus miles to bitch your way out of this. Get yourself together. You are going . Yeah. So this happened the next morning. I did not feel like that. The night before I emailed her and she emailed me back and she said, listen, this is normal.

A lot of people experienced these physical side effects prior to a session. So let me back up a little bit. I didn't start with a psilocybin session. My very first day there, I landed on a Tuesday, Wednesday. I started with. A session in Cambo and I'm not gonna go into like super great detail because we're talking about therapy, but I just wanted to tell you my whole journey and my whole trip.

And this was a huge part of it. So  Wednesday morning and, and, and Cambo, just to spoiler alert involves a lot of vomiting and I was just not into it.  I was like, not interested. Nope. I mean, who would be right? Like we learned about Cambo earlier. I think even around a year ago, a year ago, uh, researched it, listened to a podcast, talked to a few people and the vomiting, we were like, no, no.

Yeah. So they collect this poison off the back of these frogs in the jungles of the Amazon. And then , you know, we just put it on our bodies cuz why not? I go, I show up at, at her house and. To do that. Cuz we did this, this session at her home actually. Ooh. And um, hi, welcome to my home barf everywhere. Yes, exactly.

But I'll put up pictures on Instagram. I took pictures of this, the setting and everything. And so she had this really nice little setup for me and I walked into this little room in her home. She had like every. Instrument known to man that any indigenous person would use. So like drums and feathers and this, I cannot remember the name of it.

I'm gonna have to look it up and include a picture in on Instagram, but this like box that had like strings on it that she played. Oh yeah. It was like all these things. And so I was like, whoa, this is oh. And singing bowls, like water singing bowls. Mm-hmm . And, um, it was. All kinds of things. I'm sorry. That shit would annoy me if I was barfing.

Okay. You'd be like shut. So, so fuck up. You would think so, but it's it, it didn't. So she starts off with a piece of incense and she burns what they call gates. And I had four, two on each ear and then she quartered off. The poison and put pieces on those gates so that the skin can absorb it a lot faster.

The results are immediate. She already told me what was gonna happen. So I knew what was going to happen. Otherwise, I would've been like call 9 1 1 or whatever they have yet.  I'm dying. So, um, immediately my heart began racing. I felt hot. Burning up hot. My skin was swelling. My face was swelling. My lips were swelling.

My eyes were swelling. They call it like frog face because of the way you look like everything swells up. I wish y'all could see my face right now. Yeah. Amy looks like . She's like, fuck that. This is a whole lot of notes from Amy over here, Uhuh. Yeah. So prior to this, I had set my intentions and my intention was that I was there to.

And I was like gonna let it go because as we've talked about before trauma gets stuck in your body. Mm-hmm . And sometimes we unconsciously subconsciously hold onto that trauma because we're afraid of letting it go. We're afraid. It'll affect the memory of what we feel about these things will, we're afraid it'll affect our personalities and like, but this is who I am.

Like, I've experienced these things. I don't wanna. Let go of that or lose it. Mm-hmm  this is personal, you know, experiences for myself. I I'm sure other people have other reasons, but it's scary to let go of something like that. Um, sometimes, but I was so ready. I was like, I'm ready to get this out of my body.

It's gotta go away. And it had held onto me for so long. And so I was like, Beyond. I, I had talked about, like we said, we had talked about CAMBA before and it just wasn't, it was not something I was interested in doing at the time. And I gotta tell you when I was in it, I was like, this better fucking be over real soon.

because when it's happening, it's, it's scary and it's pretty awful. So it happened real quickly. And I began to feel the poison move through my veins and I remember freaking. And thinking, well, this is it. This is how you die.  even though she had already told me, I was like, you're thousands of miles from all you love.

And you're being poisoned by a frog. This is so typical of you. You paid to get it done. I'm paying somebody to do this to me, but then this other thought came through and it was. Prevailed and just like pushed through all those thoughts and was like, you're in this now. So do what you came here to do and let it go.

And it was the first time in a long time that I actually surrendered myself completely. And just like that, I began to purge and I'll tell you what, once it starts. It comes and it comes hard. And I'm glad for that because it was over really fast. And she said, she's like, typically speaking, you're gonna be like five to 10 minutes of vomiting and then we'll be, it'll be done.

You'll be all right. She had this huge bucket in front of me and I purged and purged and perched. And she looked there when I was done and was like, wow. She said, I've never seen somebody purge that much girl. I believe it 1000%. So I laid back after I was done and she began singing then. So she didn't do it while I was vomiting.

okay. Okay. That's a little different. And for about 30 to 40 minutes, I just laid back because it was like your body and everything is so exhausted, even just from purging itself. Like that's exhausting, but it's a different type. It's this just, but was there like a, uh, euphoric feeling? At that point.

Absolutely. I felt myself relaxed for the first time in years. Mm-hmm  so all of those months of being bedridden, I was never relaxed. Right. You know, I was living in, in this just anxiety, just living in this disgusting mix of anxiety. Yeah. And depression. This was like, holy shit. I've, I've let it all go. And it was this new feeling that I'd never experienced and she began to sing.

And was singing in these different languages and was using the singing bowls and using these instruments in the drums. And it was so I could feel it, it moving through my body mm-hmm  and I was like, okay, like, this is. Why I came here, this is why I'm here. Yeah. And so I went back to my hotel room and you can't really do much after that.

And she told me, she's like, you're not gonna be able to, to, to do much. So I recorded myself for a couple of minutes just talking about the experience. So I thought I'd share that with you guys right now. So I'm about five hours post Cambo. And my voice is a little horse from vomiting and my. Is very red and swollen.

My eyes are a little puffy too. She had said that that can be an effect of the can. The swelling and stuff happened almost immediately. As soon as she put on my ears, the gates, um, I got really hot and started sweating and swelling up almost immediately, but she had told me that was gonna happen ahead of time.

So it wasn't like. Scary. Although it was still scary.  spiritually and emotionally and mentally, I feel lighter. I feel like I finally let go of decades of shit just in my body, stored in my body. I felt, and I, I, I tried to, as much as I could imagine while I was purging. All of that trauma leaving my body.

And so that was a pretty incredible experience, awful, but pretty incredible. And I'm hoping that the effects are long term. I'm ready to be. Okay. I'm ready to be more than, okay. I'm ready to be good. I just wanna be good. I feel. So, yeah, that was . That was me in the hotel room feeling like shit, but feeling pretty good  afterwards.

Yeah. And then the next day was the psilocybin treatment and I was ready for it, but I was still super fucking nervous. Yeah. I recorded myself when she took me into the, um, actual room where we were gonna have the treatment. So I just thought, I'd give this to you and we'll put these videos up on our Instagram too, so you guys can see them there.

Here were my thoughts pre. Trip. Yikes. I'm in the space where I will be having my PCI therapy. It's a beautiful space. That's all mine right there. I am nervous as can be. I had a lot of resistance this morning. And then when Kayla came to pick me up, she had her dog with her, which made me feel so connected.

And then she said her dog's name was Willow, which is my daughter's name. So I knew I was in the right. Here we go. Oh, so Willow was a big turning point for. That's when I was like, okay, I'm okay with this. Let's do it. Let's go. If she would've brought her dog to get me, I would've been like flock pie.  I'm out now.

Mind you have come a long way. Yes you have. But that does not make me more chill. Right. And it's a different experience too. Like with, for me, like during to be open and vulnerable during that time and have a dog, I would, that's like my dream. Yeah. And she said, Done hundreds. She has facilitated hundreds of these sessions.

She's never, ever let Willow in on a session, but she just felt like it was supposed to happen this time. Yes. She's like, it just, wow. She's like, I just felt right. It felt right. And I was like, like, you could not have picked a better person.  seriously to have her here. So it meant a lot. And it was just another sign for me.

Mm-hmm  to say like, okay, we we're in the right spot. This is what we're supposed to be doing. Let's. In the first episode, talked about how the banker went down to Mexico and had the mushroom ceremonies. And in his article, he talks about how they traditionally have chocolate before. Mm. And so I didn't know that until I read the article after the fact, well, she served me the mushrooms in Kaka.

Oh. So now that I know that I was like, oh, that's really cool. It was sort of like the traditional way yeah. Of, of consuming it and starting the ceremony. So I drank a Kaka tea. That I had the psilocybin in it and I had three and a half milligrams. Three milligrams is what you need to have the psychoactive effects.

She said, let's do three and a half just to make sure we get a good trip. So that's what we did. And she said, you know, you may experience about an hour, two an hour and a half of discomfort where you are basically transitioning from like, mm-hmm,  a quote, normal state of mind.  to this alternative state of mind.

I. Really experienced that discomfort and I've, I hated it. I fucking hated it like that. Can you describe it? So I wrote something after, or is it like that feeling when I, I say to you this, like, I just don't feel right. I just don't feel right. Like, I'm just uncomfortable.  it's that tenfold? Yes. It's that tenfold.

And it's that with like some, some transition into some hallucinogenic states as well. So like putting, yeah. So it's, it's not comfortable. It does not feel good. Yeah. Sounds terrible. So. I wrote here, I felt uncomfortable. I felt raw exposed, dirty and wrong. So those were the words that I wrote down, like almost immediately afterwards.

Ew. And that I wanted to stop. It was like shifting from like a typical consciousness to an altered state. And did you tell her that, like, I want this to be over? I did. I think to what it is is that it's a loss of control. Oh yeah, for sure. And so it was like frightening. Yeah. And it was like super unnerving.

And so I asked, I was like, How much longer am I gonna feel uncomfortable? And she like, counted back. She's like, you should be out of it by now. The second she said that, and this is again, we talked in the first episode about set and setting mm-hmm  when she said that it was like, my subconscious was like, oh, it's okay for me to let go and be okay.

Oh, wow. And from that point on, I was fine. Yeah. So I'm glad I opened my mouth and like said something because I was like, this has gotta stop. It was like two hours, the first two hours that I was just. I don't like this. This needs to be, oh my God. I remember telling you, I was like in typical Sarah fashion, I was laying there going metabolize this faster.

like, so impatient, like, so like we'll control this mother, mark. Fuck. Exactly. Yes. Yeah. So it was like ridiculous. I'm trying to make, I'm trying to control the trip and like make it work, which is the opposite, the antithesis of what that is all about. Yes. So if you do decide to do something like this, just let go and surrender because once you do that, It all falls into place and it was like, my brain gave permission to, to surrender to it.

And I was able to do what I came here to do. I'm gonna start to describe my trip. So this is where it's, you know, it's very mystical. It's.  it's a trip. Yeah. So there's hallucinations, there's things that happen. So it's hard. It's really hard to describe. It's a very personal experience, so I'm gonna do my best, but what I think everyone who has an experience like this can say is that there are no words to adequately.

Describe what happens. Yeah. And I think that when you're listening, you kind of have to, again, open your mind to. And realize that again, it's personal and it may seem like something that is impossible in your brain, but it's possible in another setting, I guess. Or not where Sarah's lying. I don't know.

she's just fucking with all of us. Yeah. Go look it up and look at other people. Yeah, exactly. I promise you. She's not doing that. That is not what we do on here. No, hi, we're unapologetically us is what we've decided and unapologetically honest. Yes. It gets us in trouble.  oh, so here we go, guys. I'm like shaking to tell.

Here we go. And this is the ego coming through. It's like, don't tell people that they're gonna think you're weird, but, and I'm here though. I'm here. Do you hear me? I'm telling them. I know. I know. I'm telling them to not think you're weird. Well, you can think she's weird. No. What think you're think I'm weird.

It's fine. That's totally fine. See if you can listen with an open mind and before I start to share this, I just wanna make it clear that Amy knows what the story already. I've already shared it with her and. Okay with me sharing. I'm very okay. And I'll just say before she even says it is that there was zero surprise in my mind.

I was like, well, yeah, that tracks  on brand. That's on brand. That makes all the sense in the world. So listen to what happened first

boy. So the second, my mind releases and allow. This veil to be lifted the second. Yes, the veil lifts. And I can, when you go through this, like we talked about before, like it is tearing down that portion of your brain that tells you your inner monologue and your whole story and, and. Keeps you from accessing the other parts of your brain that allow you to see things that like we don't get to see in our typical conscious days.

So the very first thing that happens is that Amy's husband Scott visits me.  like immediately. I mean, he was waiting. Yes. He was literally like, it was like, boom, he was there. And I was like, it's probably like, could you please just hurry, release Sarah, hurry up.  hello. So he immediately is there and. It's hard to explain you don't talk in words, in these kinds of settings, it was like he was showing me things.

So just like, as if you went to a medium. Yes. That's how they explain it happens. Yeah. It's like we're playing charades. Yes. But, but he can show me the charades in pictures and things like that. Mm-hmm  so it's, it's really, really cool and very wild. So he. Begins by tell he's like, you have to tell Amy, you have to tell Amy and I'm like, okay, tell Amy what  I'm like that you're here.

Yes. I, I will definitely do that. Yeah. He's like, you have to tell her she couldn't have done anything to stop my death. It's not her fault. My brain was broken. So he's telling me these things, these are what, this is what he's showing me. He's showing me what it's, it's almost like a tornado. And there's like shards of things like flying around and flying at me.

And he's like, this is the inside of my brain. This is what it was like, just things that didn't make sense. Yeah. You described it as like, uh, tornado in a hurricane and puzzle pieces from different puzzles. Yes. Like not any of the same puzzle. Right? So like, and the, the puzzle pieces from the different puzzles are trying to fit together and nothing's fitting.

Yeah. Nothing's working and shit's flying around everywhere at the same time. And he's like, this is what it was like, I couldn't live like this. So nothing that she could have done, would've changed the outcome. I need her to know that I need her to know it's okay. Like she needs to let go of any guilt that she's still holding onto.

And I was, I'm gonna pause very quickly to give a little aside, Sarah and I hadn't talked this week because she was going away. I was going away. I had decided it was really heavy on my heart to schedule a very last minute medium appointment. Oh, so it was, so it was Monday. I had the medium, you had this trip on Wednesday, Thursday, Thursday.

You and I did not talk. No, we did not. It was the exact same message. Like, so like I wrote it down in my journal. I have it recorded. So he's telling me now twice. Yeah. Stop stop, stop, stop. You know, like you could not have done anything and there was more to it in my medium thing, but the point is, is that it was so important to get it out a second time as if I wouldn't have listened the first time, which is possible.

So I can understand why he came to you. Yeah. I also was thinking too. I was like, I wonder if he did that, because once you told me you had the same reading and I was like, whoa. . Yeah. And then I thought, I wonder if he came to me so that when I told you, you would know that my experience was legit. Oh. And you would also know in turn that your experience with the medium was.

that is very possible. And that makes sense. So that you would believe all of it. He talks to you through mediums or things like that. I will say that after that week, I believe everything.  like, I truly do. I believe all of the messages that I've gotten from him and the healing that has come from that particular week of messages has changed me Dramat.

Yeah, cuz it was like, so it was verified. Uh, it was verified. And just the release. When you told me you were like, she explained it the exact same way. I was like, what? So wild. Yeah. So I think also there was more in your mediumship because I was like, okay Scott, I gotta do my thing.  she really needed him to leave.

I was like, I love you. I'm going to pass this on. But I, I, you know, I gotta do what I came here to do and he's like, okay, okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.  no, he had something else to tell you. I didn't know if you wanted me to share that. I fucking tell him cause it's true. It is. It's true. He was. And it's not that I didn't, but he was like, you have to trust Amy.

And I was like, I do I trust Amy? He's like, no,  you have to really trust Amy and. You guys are doing the right thing. This podcast is the right thing. He, he thanked me. Like repeatedly, like thank you for sharing my story. Thank you for sharing other people's stories. You're doing the right thing by getting this out there so that people can heal and people can be okay, keep going, keep going.

Trust Amy, keep going. And I was just like, okay. And that's when I started to cry. Like that was really a powerful way to start things. , it's super powerful and also validating because again, That was another part of the message he had for me on Monday is the gratitude that he had for this podcast and the work that Sarah and I are doing on various levels.

So cuz sometimes we think we're just talking out into the void, you know? Right.  you know, if the other side's hearing us and they see what we're doing and they see the big picture, then we keep going Sarah. Yes, that's right. Even if we're just talking to the other side,

Their downloads. Don't count though.

oh my God. It only, man. We'd have so many. I could probably get Scott to go mess with somebody's computer.

Gosh, if you don't want the spirit of Amy's husband,  messing with your computer. Go follow us. Download, download. Yeah. Okay. Get your friends to follow.  so, yeah, that was the very, very beginning. And I was like, well, that was wild . So Scott then was like, well, now while I'm here, though, I'm I'm gonna leave. Like you got, I know you gotta do your thing, but there's somebody else that needs to talk to you and Amy's grandmother because this trip.

All about Amy

I didn't even have to go through the hard stuff. You know, I, you know, I was, I was thinking about it and I was like, this is just further proof though. How connected? Yes, we all are as souls. Mm-hmm  not just you and I, but everybody, you know, how connected we all are in, in this world. It's whew. It's it's mind blowing.

but her grandmother came and, um, said it's Amy and I had forgotten that. That was, that you were named after her. And I was. I will, you know, I'll tell Amy, what do you want me to tell Amy? She's like, no, it's Amy. It's like, she was like on her chest, like her hand on her chest, like Amy, Amy. And I was like, oh, that's right.

Like it just, and then it clicked. I was like, her name was Amy. And I was like, okay. Okay. And she's like, Citi. And I was like, okay. And then she said, big city. Oh my God. And I was chills. I got the chills. Whoa. And for those of you who don't know, that's grandmother. Yeah. In Arabic. Yeah. In Arabic. And so. And I was like, okay, okay.

And she said, tell Kathy, and that's Amy's mom tell Kathy, I love her. And I loved her. And that was, it was, there was more to that message, but you know, it's personal. So we're just gonna leave it at that. But it was beautiful, like came through for a message for my mom. And I just think that's so beautiful.

And it really shows you that again, the connectedness between all of us and if we really could somehow grasp. I just feel like everything would be a little bit or a lot different. Yes. Yeah. So that is not what I expected when she started to tell me about her trip, but I know I wanted to talk to you so badly, like right away.

And I, meanwhile, time home, Sarah has like a million people on the other side  um, but I guess minor louder came first. They're louder. More persistent for sure. Imagine if like. They all got to be together alive or something like, and they were like dinner. I don't know. It would be really funny, but that's what it is.

They're louder and more persistent. Those are my people. Like, so I tracked my people on the other side. Didn't even come through for like hours later.  like, I was like, what the hell? Where are you? Where are you? Um, yeah. So it was, it was definitely a cool ass experience though, cuz I'd never, I've had some.

I've had some moments of connectedness in terms of like I've seen spirits and I've, you know, experienced different things, but I never actually communicated with someone on the other side. And that was a whole different ballpark  for me. So then my portion of it started

but it was just, it was really cool. So it was like Willow the dog. She sort of came like bounding through the sky to me and like ushered me away. And onto my part of it. This is where everything through the stages. Like I started to break down like where your consciousness starts to break down and you become to like, start to dissolve into like your environment.

And I became the earth. I was the earth. I was the clay. I was the desert. And then I became every ancestor. And every woman who came before me, I was my grandmother, my mother. And then I was my daughter. And it. Incredible. And I could feel like the ancestral, like stomping in the dirt and like in the clay and digging in the clay and getting it under my fingernails and doing these dances and listening to this music.

And it was like so powerful. And then I felt the weight of my mother's love within me. I could feel her. Become a part of me. So she was with me, but it was like, we were just one because she wanted me to know how much she loved me. And I knew that in that moment. And it was something that I needed so badly.

Yeah. Because mother daughter relationships can be really hard sometimes. Mm-hmm  and we had. Are tough times. Mm-hmm  and I had my doubts at times on her love for me. I don't know how now at this point, like to me saying that now is the most ridiculous thing right now that I've had this experience, but before that experience I did, I, I doubted it.

I thought, did she really love me? Um, you know, generational gaps can be hard.  mm-hmm,  the way that other people are raised, can be hard in the way that they, you know, express their love. Moving forward through their generations. So this was an extremely life changing, um, experience for me. And, you know, I try not to feel guilt about it.

in the way that, you know, knowing now and not knowing right while she was still here.  it's a hard balance to find. I am extremely grateful though, that I know now, even if I didn't understand her love, then I can see that it was deep and it was true. Yeah. So that was the most beautiful part of the trip.

You know, after that I faced every single fear I've ever had and fears. I didn't even know that I had this part sound scary. I have this.  long running fear of snakes.  like, geez, that I became a snake. It was, Ooh, it was wild. Um, so I faced that fear and then there were snakes everywhere and like all over me and around me.

And before that, I wouldn't even be able to say this and talk to like, I couldn't saying the word snake gave me like anxiety. Oh, wow. And it doesn't do that to me anymore now. I don't know that what I would do if somebody like brought one in here, I don't know that I would be like, here, let me hold the thing.

Yeah, I don't think so, but I definitely feel differently than I did before. I started to talk about this in the first episode that she had this like soft purple fur pillow mm-hmm  and I laid down on it and kind of ran my fingers through it and I became. Sea of soft purple fur. And I like rolled through the breeze and there was purple sky.

And then I just kept hearing my name and it was like radiating through me. And it was showing me who I was down to a cellular level. And I kept hearing Elizabeth Elizabeth over and over, which is my middle name. I didn't hear my first name at all. Mm-hmm  during the whole thing  which is, I don't understand.

And I, maybe somebody can help me with that kind of. Relation, but it's my grandmother's middle name as well. I completely broke down. I mean, this, in terms of like, I cried in this state of mind, I broke down to my cells.  I could see my DNA. I could see like myself what? Yes. So I actually like tore myself down to the cells and then I started to repair it and rebuild and rebuild everything back up.

Wow. And once I was done doing that, though, I had this realization, I was like, I've done this before. And I had this thought and it was like, I've lived a thousand lives and they're all converged right here. And we're in one repeating journey of destroy repair, rebuild. And each time I felt stronger instead of weaker.

And I think that that was me working through, like I have  I have felt destroyed. Mm-hmm.  in so many areas of my life. And so many times over and over again in my life, every time I would say, like, I'm not strong and you and I have had this conversation, mm-hmm,  like, I'm not strong. No, I'm not. Mm-hmm  I am broken because of it.

But in this moment I knew I was never broken and I was always rebuilding and that I was always stronger instead of weaker. And I could feel fire. And power. And I felt the strength of every one of my ancestors flowing through me and like chanting me into this place of power in this language that I understood, but I didn't know what they were saying.

If that makes any sense at all.  so it doesn't make any sense, but it makes all this sense. Exactly. So it was like, I couldn't tell you what language they were speaking. Mm-hmm  or like what words were coming out, but I knew you are powerful. You are strong mm-hmm . Have lived these lives and you will continue to rise again.

And again and again, I saw my cancer and I was able to know that it wasn't my fault. I had had this belief that my body had failed me. Mm-hmm  and my body was speaking to me and it was saying, I didn't fail you. I loved you. So fiercely. And I fought to keep you here. And I knew then that my body loved me and that I love my body.

And ever since then, I mean, I was calling myself fat still, even though, you know, not gonna lie guys,  authenticity here. We've done episodes on body neutrality and how we are overcoming these things, but I hadn't overcome it. Mm-hmm  I looked in my, the mirror and discussed constantly. You know, I looked at my breasts and discussed.

I looked at the fat on my body and disgusted and hand to God or SP spirit, whatever you believe in. I don't feel that. Hmm. I look at myself in the mirror and I think, fuck. Yeah. Yeah. , it's something that's incredibly freeing. Mm-hmm  I put on clothes and I feel amazing. I put on a bathing suit and I feel amazing.

I just love myself for the first time probably ever in my life. I was able to see this love. It was in this flurry of white feathers. Kind of swirled in front of me, like a little, like when the wind blows and starts to blow them in like a little cycle cyclone and these feathers had gold flex and they were pure white and just absolutely beautiful.

And they swirled around me and transformed me. You guys are gonna be like, oh Jesus. . I mean, if you're still with us. Yeah, it's great. We, we are so happy. You're here for this. They transformed me into an alligator. An alligator. Huh? What is the, is the symbolism to an alligator? I said before in the last episode that your brain is kind of in these two sections.

So it's like, oh see, I can imagine the other side of your brain being like, yeah, what the fuck mm-hmm . So the mystical halluc hallucinating side is having one experience. And then the logical side is trying to work out the meanings of all the things that you're seeing and experiencing mm-hmm . And so I became an alligator and my logical side of my brain was like, what.

And the logical side of my brain thought, I remember thinking it's such an ugly animal.  geez. And I was sorry, alligators out there.  then the logical side of my brain started to work through it. I was like, oh no, you have thick skin. You have scales. You have a strong jaw to fight to speak. Yeah. And then I stomped the feet and the tail can whip and take out any kind of obstacle or anything that's coming towards me.

I was like, oh. And I started to feel like that power. Yeah. And that strength and I had this confidence that I could take on anything. And. Then I came a snake again,  fucking snake. I can't stop laughing. Damnit. I hated them so much. I don't hate them anymore, but I still, I was like, what in the, why, why? And then a thousand snakes with rattles and they were shaking and there was like this show of power that was like, you know, shaking when, before they like strike an attack.

And then I could feel the souls of my children join me. And it was them that I knew. That I was a safe space for them. I had had all of these thoughts that they didn't deserve a mom like me. They deserved a mom that was more present mm-hmm  and they, they didn't, I was a burden. I wasn't the mom that they needed, but in that moment I knew that I was their safe space and that I can be and have been a good mother.

And my love just poured out for me. It completely enveloped them. It was wrapping them in like swirls of red and pink. We were. One and that I felt the soul of my husband that I felt so long that I didn't deserve. And I fear losing him. And in this moment I, I lost him. I had this knowing though that I could live mm-hmm  and go on.

If that happened, I saw us completely bound together and we had these roots that were deeper than trees and that the roots of these trees were intertwined and had been for centuries across timelines and dimensions that like he and I are inextricably linked forever. I cried so many tears and, and I, I actually had a, a visual with that too, that I was twisted myself was twisted.

You know, when you ring out a wash cloth. Yeah. Mm-hmm  that I was being rung out and that I was just emptying all the tears from every single pour and like squeezed as hard as possibly could releasing all the pain, all the tears, all the darkness.  and it was so wild because I could feel the tears streaming down my cheeks and they felt different.

Like, everything felt different. The tears felt like liquid Opal for the very first time in my life. I didn't feel shame attached to them. Mm. Because every time I cried before that yeah. It really bothered you. It did it bothered because I had been told my whole life that I was too sensitive. Yeah. Too much, too emotional.

I needed to get my, you know, emotions under control, stop crying, and so many experiences with that from every person in my life. And this was the first time that I just let them fall down. My, and they healed and I felt joy and love, and it was incredible. You kind of realize, I think this is something that I've seen in a lot of people's stories about their trips and this was consistent with mine is that, that I knew how connected we all are to one another and to earth and to God.

And that our loved ones are always right there. Mm-hmm  living or not. We are so connected and they are very present. I could feel everyone's fears. I could feel everyone's insecurities. I could feel everyone's sadness and it helped me to have more understanding and empathy for every single person in my life.

Even the ones that might be more difficult.  yeah, it was an eye-opening experience and it's given me more. Patience. Mm-hmm . I mean, I have a real like logistical sort of question. Yeah. That perhaps some of our listeners are wondering as I am, as I'm listening. Like, did you actually like slither on the floor?

oh, I got that's a legit question. Did you move from this space you were in? Did you act this shit out? So you're literally just sitting there. Mm-hmm  the whole time. Yeah. So Kayla, she told you, you did not move. Yeah. Kayla at, at the end, she said for a while there, I was wondering if you were even feeling anything.

Did you have your eyes closed? Mm-hmm  yeah. So I had my eyes closed for a lot of it because the, so you're having these conversations in your brain? Yes. Nothing out loud. No. Gotcha. Now everybody's different. She said to me, she said, speak as much as you want. Mm-hmm  I. Take note of everything you say mm-hmm  so that you know what experience you had, but everything felt so deeply personal.

Okay. That nothing CA I mean, here I am sharing it now.  and it's fine. Well, I mean, it's different cuz now you can also edit it a little bit. Yeah, exactly. And I, and at that point you're. So vulnerable. Right, right. And I also didn't understand a lot of it. I mean, I did, but I didn't. Yeah. So it's like I've had this time to sort of reflect and know what some of these things mean and know why I saw certain things because that's a, a huge part of the healing process with this is.

The after  conversations. Why did I think this thing? Mm-hmm  why did I feel this way? Why did I see those certain visions? Because that's how you find the healing, right? That you had appointment an appointment with her afterwards. I did. Yes. To reflect and kind of bring all of this to some sort of understanding.

Yes. I think that's so important. Yeah, it is. And. Here were . I already told you a lot of takeaways and things, but yeah, the, the post, those were things I realized in the moment mm-hmm  so here were some things that we reflected upon, you know, afterwards I realized that I need to be more gentle with all souls overall.

Mm-hmm  I realized that I can trust my feelings. That was something that I didn't feel like I could do. Yeah. I because of the, you know, being told that I was too emotional, whatever, I never trusted the way I felt. I thought I'm too, this mm-hmm  fill in the blank. It was always too much, you know, something.

And so I didn't think that my feelings were legitimate or real or valid or whatever, but this told me I can trust my feelings and that I can trust myself. And what comes up for me comes up for a reason. Mm-hmm  I feel deeply. But that's exactly who I'm supposed to be. Yeah. I surrendered over and over, which I am really fucking stubborn  and don't do normally.

And I had asked myself, like, why did you during this session? Like, so I'm sitting, this is one of the things that I'm going through. And like the logical side of my brain pipes in and says, why did you do this? Mm-hmm  why did you come all the way to another country? Thousands of miles away. And it was then that my father and my grandfather showed me.

That it's in my blood to make grand gestures. Wow. And that my being needed to know that I'm worthy of grand gestures. And I knew then that I am worthy and that's a struggle I've had  and I knew that I was, I am loved that. I deserve love that I deserve wealth that I deserves.  that I am loving that I am brave that I am strong mm-hmm  and I actually legit, I'm not saying this because it's our show legit was my dad was like, and you are a warrior and fuck.

If that didn't like, yep, yep. Go through my gut. Like, ah, they like to tell us that from the other side. Yeah. Scott used the same word. Did he mm-hmm  oh, when he was describing our fight for mental health, he said you're warrior. Mm. So fucking weird. Yeah. But so not. Right. I think to another takeaway, I think that I'm gonna take away from this story is that we can do grand gestures for ourselves.

Yes. There's no need to wait for somebody else to do a grand gesture for you because we are fucking worth it. And why not? Right. Right. Why not? Why not take the chance on yourself if you take the chance on everybody else? That's great. But like, why not do it for yourself too? I think that was a huge lesson I needed.

You know,  my family has a flare for the dramatic . You know, my dad was in radio. My grandpa. On the Jamboree mm-hmm  like, you know, and he was a Pentecostal preacher. So, you know, there's a flare for the dramatic there and it's in my blood. And, and Kayla even said, she's like, half of this experience is going to be the journey.

That's the gesture. Like you said, like it's the gesture you are flying. There. You are staying there. You are making this commitment. You are going out of your comfort zone. I was so uncomfortable. Yeah. I travel I've I'm used to traveling alone, traveling alone. Doesn't really bother me normally, but this was different.

And I felt before the experience, I kept saying like, Who are you to do this for yourself? And that was, that's just an unhealthy thought process.  it's so common though. Think about how much we do that. Who do you think you are? Mm-hmm  to hire an editor and spend money on that? Like, yes. You're not even like that.

Good of a writer. Yep. Or like, who do you think you are? That people are gonna wanna hear your story? It's been told 20,000 times by a million other people mm-hmm  like, that's the kind of shit we tell ourselves. It felt so selfish. It felt, I was like, I'm leaving my family for a week. I should be working.

Mm-hmm  I should be, I can't believe I'm spending this money. It was like the selfish feelings. And, and then I just knew though, in those times I was like, this isn't selfish. This is not selfish. I think the selfishness, even though it's counterintuitive, is your ego trying to be like, oh wait, like, yeah, I don't know.

You know, like that idea of like, no, I don't. Things, because then that makes me look a certain way. Right, right. But man, I'll tell you what, breaking down the ego like that  in that kind of setting is incredibly helpful, incredibly helpful. It was. A life changing experience. And just like we heard in the clip in the very beginning, I will forever think of my life before my psilocybin treatment and my life after.

And the change is visible. Mm-hmm  audible. Yep.  you can feel it. See it, hear it. It's life changing. It's such a beautiful story. Thank you. Thank you so much for sharing with. I really hope that in some way, shape or form that you guys were able to take that in. Because even if it's something that you think is not for you, which is totally fine, we say that all the time, everything we share around here, isn't for everybody either way, though, you can learn from that.

I just learned from her story and I didn't do the trip. And so, you know, learning things. Oh, yeah, I am worth the grand gesture, whatever it is that you take away. I think it's really important to hear other people's stories and to know that this treatment is out there, it's becoming more prevalent. People are talking about it.

Doctors are talking about it, and I would not be surprised if you wouldn't see it becoming legalized or. Practice. And then your future in the states, here's hoping , here's hoping, here's hoping, but thank you so much. And I'm so glad you had that. I'm so glad you had that experience and that you trusted yourself.

I know, right? Geez. You did you trusted yourself? I mean, I could have, you know, months ago been like hell to the no  and you know, instead I just kind of watched the journey unfold and I guess this is something that you learn too. In relationships, you see someone doing something and it could go either way.

It could be like, they're gonna learn from this in a sense of like, it didn't work out and you were right. Or it could turn out the opposite way where I really wasn't. Right. Because I didn't have enough information and my eyes weren't open to it right. In that way. Right. But to really just kind of support people and take a step back and like, let that, let it play out, let their journey play out for them because.

You just don't know, you really don't know completely where it's supposed to go. So you don't wanna interfere in that. Yeah. I think that's an amazing lesson. And thank you for being so supportive. Yeah. For me through all of this, it meant so much  and I'm just thankful for you and my husband and for my sister too, who actually was really.

She was, yeah, she's totally down for it. She's like, yes. Do it, you know? Yeah. So for all of the, you, that encouraged me to take those steps  to get me outta that desperate spot, just know too. I just wanna like one last thing, like, like we said in the last episode, I just wanna make sure if you didn't listen to that, that you hear it here.

There is no magic pill. No. Depression is still looming. , you know, I don't have perfect days every single day. I still have anxiety. I actually, you know, my depression is a million times better, but my anxiety is still there. I still, you know, struggle. And, but the, the difference is, is the reactivity, the thought processes that go along with it.

I can talk myself from going into a spiral. Yeah, you can manage it. I can manage. So no magic pill. I'm not cured.  no. And, and again, for other people, it will be something else. They need to go on a meditative retreat or they, you know, whatever it is. It's just nice to have that kickstart. Yes. That little bit of a, like a reset button.

Yeah. Today you could just start with five minutes of meditation, quiet in your mind because that's scary as fuck enough. Mm-hmm  it sure is. So, you know, if you do that, you have no, like your mind is so powerful. Mm-hmm  that psilocybin does make and allow these things to happen faster and easier, but your mind can do it too.

Just you have to let. Yes, I'm talking to myself here.  don't think I'm preaching from up anywhere high

So anyways, oh my gosh. Thank you again, Sarah. That was such a great story. It was a beautiful story and I'm so happy to have this new woman. Thank you. I love you. I love you too. I hope that you guys enjoyed these episodes. Remember like share, subscribe, leave a review, follow follow. Oh, we just put some, uh, tea on Patreon.

So yes, we might wanna jump over there and check that video out because we've decided that our Patriot community is gonna get. All of it. Yes. So we're, we're spilling all the dirt there.  and we're starting a new segment on our Patreon only where we talk about mental health. Am I the asshole?  I can't wait.

I can't wait either anything for, you know, a good mental health love. Yes. So Patreon, patrons be looking out for that. It's coming to you real soon. All right. Everyone take care. Remember to stay wild and weird warriors. We love you. This episode was brought to you by Amy Baumgartner and Sarah Simone, the theme song and our other music is provided by epidemic sound.

This episode was mixed, mastered, and produced by Sarah Simone. To help us keep making episodes just like this. Consider supporting us on patreon.com/unqualified therapists, Inc. If you have a mental health journey, you'd like to share email us at unqualified therapists, gmail.com. Or you can reach out on our website www.unqualifiedtherapists.com until next time warrior, hold on.

We're gonna make it.

Yes, I am.