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April 20, 2018

Diagnosis: WTF

Balance. I’ve been searching for this my whole life. Yin and Yang. Hustle and Rest. Speaking my truth and embracing my stoicism. It evades me often and just in a moment when I feel that I’m on the brink of achieving the elusive little bugger I’m tipped so far off balance that I fall….hard. A face smashing, bone breaking, blood everywhere fall. So I should be used to a world rocking tip off the old balance block right? Nope.

Here’s the latest tipping point. I find it so hard to type the following words. It makes me so ill but here we go. I have breast cancer. It’s stage 0 DCIS. Does this make it less terrifying? No. Do I want to hear that it’s such a great diagnosis from anyone other than my Dr.? Nope sure don’t. I’m not going to apologize for my feelings and this blog series is going to be a raw explanation of them so buckle up.

I’m still less than a week into this diagnosis. It was a Tasmanian devil style tornado…like a freaking cartoon joke of a hot mess. One day I was in my OB’s office for a lump that I genuinely thought was nothing. The next day I was getting a mammogram that turned into an ultrasound that turned into a biopsy…36 hours later…the news.

I’ve hit every freaking range of emotions. I’ve cried (duh), been confused, had a panic attack, laughed A LOT, gotten drunk, stayed in bed, been super productive, been useless, cried until I thought I had no tears left, laughed again, passed out, and on and on and on. And you know what? That’s ok. I’m allowed. Because this is me and that is how my brain, body, and heart is handling it and that’s ok. I’m 36 years old with an amazing husband and two crazy beautiful children. I have the most kind, supportive and loving mother. My sister is a bad ass supportive and loving soul. My support system is strong AF! But with all of these amazing beings in my life comes the fear of losing them. The fear of sucking the life out of them. The fear of leaving them behind. Fear…it’s disgusting and debilitating.

As you know this business Jill and I are building is all about empowerment. It’s part of our mission right? The very first thing in fact. Empowering YOU. We’re here to positively impact each person with whom we interact. She and I are constantly throwing positive words, vibes, love, and peace into the universe. This is what we get back? I know that this must mean that there is another person out there that needs me to go through this so that they may benefit in some way. So here we are.

I’ve decided to blog about my experience in order to help other people who may be experiencing something similar or who know someone going through this journey. The number one thing to remember is that EVERYONE’s experience is different. Every. Single. Person. So before you delve into your story about your mom, sister, aunt, or uncle’s cousin’s dog that had cancer….just don’t. Just be there. That’s it. Be there in the way that that particular person is asking you to be there. If that means *no* hugs and emotional talks then by God shut your mouth. If it means letting her make jokes because that’s her coping mechanism (hint hint this is me) then laugh with her. If it means a crying session letting her feel sorry for herself for just a few minutes…let. it. be. Don’t try to minimize her fears. Don’t try to make everything better because you just can’t. It’s ok to let her have her fears. This is so fucking terrifying and to try to NOT validate these fears because it makes YOU feel better or you think you’re making HER feel better…again, just don’t. Week 1. Diagnosis. WTF.